With the news Jennifer is only needed to be at the clinic once this week, I was excited to have more time at home. Over the last several months, so much has been left undone and untouched.
The spare room has been where all boxes and tubs full of supplies, cards, and various other things have collected. Clothes I had bagged up for the thrift store still waiting for me to deliver and random winter decorations in a box sit waiting to be put away. And although I knew it will take me quite some time to get to it all, I hoped I would start to tackle it this week.
Unfortunately, none of this got done. I tried to start on it , but it felt overwhelming. Every little thing made me feel angry and defeated. I fought tears starting early Wednesday morning and they continued to stream well into Thursday.
When you are feeling low, any words spoken to you, that don’t lift you up, hit harder than they may have otherwise. Wednesday afternoon, I found myself wrapped up in self pity when I came upon some harsh words spoken to me. And even though an apology followed, the words still linger in my head and heart.
I tell myself to not give in to self doubt. I tell myself to remember those who say hurtful things to others, only reveal their own character and not mine. And why I fight this incrediblly sad feeling inside, I realize this is not helping Jen get better.
So tonight I decided to give myself the evening off. Jessica has come over to hang out with Jen, and Randy and I decided to drive to Columbus to pack up the rest of the stuff still needing brought home. I hope while I’m away, I find back my drive and my ability to be strong. I need to find back that strength that keeps Jen moving forward.
I close this with a bit of advice to those who care to listen. Often we have others relying on us, and when someone shouts in anger at another, it not only hurts the one whom the words were shared with but also those who depend on that person. Jen has lost the most by my inability to put on a happy face.