Everyday I worry. I look at Jen and worry. Some days, I see illness in her. I could see it even before I knew it was leukemia. Jen has been fighting a cold for some time now but in the last week + she has been coughing a lot. And each night, I hear her in her room, across the hall from me, coughing…. I pray for her to stop and be able to rest.
Yesterday I decided we needed to have her accessed to make sure this cough hasn’t become something more. I called the James, and asked their opinion. So off to Delphos Ambulatory Care we went to have her lungs listen to, her vitals and counts checked, and a chest xray. And other than they think maybe the cold has turned into a sinus infection, everything turned out ok.
But I still lay here and worry. I know most mommies can understand worry, but this goes deeper than the worries I had prior to cancer. Nothing I can even put into words. Nothing I would wish on anyone. It is painful every moment of every day….even as I sleep.
I just asked Randy when life will feel normal again? Will it ever feel normal? When can I lose myself in my camera or deposit a check into my business account? When will I stop trying to wrap my head around cancer? Or stop praying I figure out how we keep our heads above water? When will Jen get back her energy enough to paint me a masterpiece and will it be before she has her transplant? When will she be once again be strong and ready to take on the world? When?
I’m told this is a marathon….one that goes on for many years. And although come maybe fall, it will slow. ..the watchful eye goes well into 2022 and maybe beyond. 2022! That sounds like a year out of futuristic movie where we are all flying around like the Jetsons.
So as each of you dread your Monday, I’m hoping maybe my Monday isn’t too far off. It’s much easier having some control over your life and the direction it’s going, than lying here listening to her cough. Never forget how blessed you are…..and always thank God for them.