Like most evenings these days, tonight Jen and I are laying on the bed watching the Cleveland Indians. She has been out of the hospital almost a full week but it hasn’t been easy. She has been back for two clinic appointments and one transfusion. Calls to clinic have been frequent and most days she spends much of her time curled up in bed. Not quite life in the city her and I had dreamed of. But this is what we expected but had hoped for more.
Tomorrow morning, she has another clinic appointment. I plan to ask about one of the meds they recently started her on. Nearly every day since she started on this med, she has complained about body pain and stomach cramping. They had switched her to this drug because the other they believed was causing her to hallucinate from time to time. Currently, she prefers the occasional hallucinations to this.
Since she has been spending so much time sleeping, I have had a lot of time to myself. Too much time. I have been reflecting a great deal about the last six plus months. I still try to wrap my head around the diagnosis and how much has changed for her and the rest of us. I also have reflected on how much I’ve learned about leukemia, about Jen, and about my faith. I have witness so much generosity in many. Even from people whom we have never met, including a young man who was willing to save Jen’s life with giving her life saving bone marrow. But also people who donate blood regularly. I wonder if they know the difference they have made.
But I also think about those I have become disappointed in. A long time ago, as our grandparents and Randy’s parents passed away, Randy spoke about truely being tested in life. And in that test, you learn what you are capable of, who you can rely on, and who comes up short. Unfortunately there will be those that disapoint us. It’s funny how we can have hundreds of examples of generosity and thoughtfulness, but a few who lack are the ones we focus on.
With that in mind, I was talking to someone who is always offering up prayers for Jen and the rest of us. She asked me what prayer I felt needed answered. I told her my ability to release the disapointment and sadness I carry with me daily. I want my heart to feel and my eyes to see only that which I am blessed with. Instead of praying to find something in someone there isnt, I want to focus on seeing the blessings I have found in others. Just as Jen must heal from her cancer, I must heal from the pain I have found in this journey.
So I want to finish with this. Daily so many have given me hope. So many praying. So many in their thoughts daily. So many have rallied together with us. So many have been with us since day one. I have filled a shoe box with cards but also have received so many messages of love. I want you to know, you have made a difference.