Do I Really Get It?
There are times I look back on my life and believe there was such grow periods. Obviously at 5 foot nothing, I don’t mean in physical height but in maturity and personal growth. The first time I felt this way, was during my pregnancy and birth of our oldest, Jessica.
I was eighteen, fresh out of high school when I discovered I was pregnant. I quickly made the decision to leave dreams of college behind, marry my high school sweetheart, and move to a place very forgein to me, a city. Now although I was now going to be responsible for this young person, and I learned how much you could love a child, I now look back and think, I had a long way to go.
The next time I felt the rush of wisdom came when I was in my late twenties to early thirties. I have often told my children, it was in these years I loved life beyond compare. Maybe it is why to this day, I tell people I turn 29 on my birthday each year. In these years, I set out to find what I felt I was to spend my working years doing. I went to college, with three babies in tow, and got my bachelor’s in education. I learned a great deal, not only about education and teaching, but also about myself once again. I found myself less dependent on others, more confident in myself, and actually much smarter and more capable than I had previous. I learned to not hate who I was and I found my voice in not allowing myself to be bullied by others. And although I’m still not 100%, 100% of the time, it was a start of a stronger self.
And so over the last twenty years, I kept coming back to the growth that happened in those years I was in college. I didn’t go on to spend my career in a classroom like I had thought I would, but the growth during those years would help me be a better wife, mother, and photographer.
Fast forward twenty years to late 2016. Mother of three adult children, running my own business, and married for 31 years. So much to reflect upon and draw conclusions from. But I stopped short of what today I consider the biggest growth period of my life yet.
I would give it all back in a second. Not just this last eye opening period, but also my college degree, my business, and even that more confident woman with a voice, to have my daughter not suffer from cancer. But I believe God knew it would take something this big for me to see I needed to change.
I feel tremendous guilt, if the reason she must endure this is because God felt I needed this journey. But maybe that is a bit narcissistic. Maybe it isn’t about me, as much as I think. Either way, change in me has happened.
I previous would have described myself as a perpetual complainer. No one day can I say I have lived life without finding fault in so much. In people, traffic, machines! They all failed me. And I spent loads of time, precious time, seeing failure and disapointment.
Today, although I must recognize I am human, and will not always be perfect, I see life much clearer. I see evidence of miracles, blessings at my feet, and so much to live for. I am humbled beyond words to have my eyes opened up to it.
But my journey would not be complete, if I didn’t help others find their way to this knowledge without such pain. Stop. Look around you. See a cloud, not as dark rain, but as a gift. The gift and blessing is there. Open your eyes and see it. Before you waste your life complaining about everything.
It took a birth, a college education, and my child to have cancer for me to grow. I’m not an easy case, this is obvious. Maybe I get it now. Or maybe next year or twenty years from now, I’ll look back and think ‘wow, I get it now.’
Identical twins with AML need your help.
Nolan Strong a beautiful but heart wrenching story.
I’m back here in Columbus with Jennifer. She is still making others on the transplant floor look bad as she has rolled through day +8 now without fever or vitals being an issue. Her and I went to the support group meetings they have here for patients and caregivers. The nurse and social worker were amazed someone at day +8 allogeneic BMT (meaning non related donor) was up and going to a support group meeting.
Having said that, I can tell you Jen is feeling fatigued. She still cannot overcome this cough and she told me this evening she just can’t get comfortable and rest like she wants. She fought tears back while telling me this. So now I’m on a mission to find her some relief. I pride myself in being persistent. …. aka Momma Bear.
We found blessings everywhere we could find them today, …maybe more me than her. Her grandparents stopped in Columbus on their way back from Florida. It is the first she has seen her grandpa since her diagnosis and first she has seen grandma since early December.
I also found a blessing or maybe knowledge I needed to find today at the support group meeting. I had questioned us going as I thought maybe Jen would just want to rest. But we went. There have been times, I hope for Jen to be excited about something or looking to go do something she has been wanting to do. I want the world for her and will move mountains to make it happen. But sometimes as I am spinning circles moving mountains, she just wants to stop, rest, and heal. For a while even small things can seem overwhelming. Reading text messages and responding, opening a card, calling her insurance company, or filling out a form. I find myself repeating to her what needs done like a mom of a teenager. I actually realized this has been ongoing for nearly a year. Which makes me wonder how long she fought low counts and fatigue. I thought before cancer this was due to laziness. After her diagnosis I thought it was a sign of her surrendering to her illness. I was wrong on both counts.” It is cancer, chemo, and healing. I needed to learn that.
So prayers tonight for a quieted cough, less fatique, and patience on my part. She will get through all this. And so will I.
Hello from Ottoville again today. Although I’m feeling much better than yesterday, I’m not well enough to return to Columbus.
We have decided Jennifer is a superstar. She is still doing very well with no fevers and vitals strong. She is in need of another platelet transfusion with her numbers falling into 6000. (Anything 10k or under, she gets one ). Her WC is still very low but hemoglobin has remained steady. Later today she is to have an echo cardiogram to see how her heart has faired through radiation and chemo. Other than that a quiet day with her dad is the plan.
She still is fighting having no appetite and a persistent cough. They are able to quiet her cough with meds but she will need to fight through the appetite. Since November, she is down more than thirty-five pounds but much of that muscle. Once she is out of hospital, she will need to work hard to regain her strength.
That’s all for now. Your prayers have been working as Jen is doing much better than we expected.
Welcome Home Event with Be The Match
We rallied together and so it is time to celebrate!
On Saturday, July 22, 2017, with Be The Match, we will welcome home Jennifer. After several weeks in the hospital and months away from home living in Columbus, Jennifer is looking forward to returning home. Because she was fortunate to find a donor through Be The Match, Jennifer dream is to make sure others have the same opportunity. Be The Match is a national bone marrow registry which helps those with a blood disease find a donor.
We will celebrate Jennifer’s recovery at Black Bird Farm near Columbus Grove, Ohio from 4pm-10pm. The evening will include a hog roast, face painting, corn hole tournaments, a battle of the bands, and a bone marrow registry drive. Proceeds will go to help Jennifer and others in the area who are fighting a blood disease.
Watch for updates as the date draws closer.
Hello from Ottoville. …not where I had planned to be, however I am fighting a sinus infection and cannot be on the BMT floor or near Jen right now. It is nice to be relaxing at home, but not really where I want to be. But I don’t have a choice as the best thing for Jen is for me to be here.
Jessica stayed Saturday night while I stayed in a close by hotel. When I woke up Sunday feeling worse, we called in Matt to come stay Sunday night. This afternoon Randy went down to switch with Matt. And now we wait to see how quickly I get well and can return.
Jennifer is doing well, actually much better than we had expected. Day +6 was suppose to be the low, but Jen must have not got that memo. She hasn’t had any fevers in a couple days and overall feeling decent. She still has a limited appetite and a cough but she has been able to eat a few things and cough calmed by meds. The antibotics are still being given as her WC is still absent. We hope this is not the calm before the storm and she continues to power through. Having been told she would be very sick at this point, we are sitting on edge hoping she will stay well.
Tomorrow I will take another look at how I am doing and if I can return yet. Unfortunately, when I catch sinus infections, they don’t give up too easily.
Continued prayers are always welcome. Have a great Monday evening.
Good morning from The James! Jessica here again. Jenny’s vitals were all pretty normal all night and we went the full evening through this morning fever free. Jenny’s had several coughing fits, one that made her get sick, but they found a couple medications that have helped clear up her congestion and quieted her cough.
She ate a little breakfast this morning and the plan is to go for a walk when some of the spaciness had worn off from the cough meds.
Thank you all for your continued prayers!
Jessica here! Mom is taking the night off and staying at the hotel tonight. Jenny had another good day with fevers coming and going early today but pretty much subsiding through the afternoon into the evening.
She was able to do 3 full laps of the unit and even had a bit of an appetite today.
She seems tired this evening but she is really doing pretty well. We are hoping these 2-3 good days leading to the tough ones to come this week means she goes into it with a bit more energy than she would have otherwise.
Thank you all for your continued prayers, especially over the next couple days!
Rally Together With Jennifer 