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Footprints |Day + 278|

We measure everything….from how tall someone is to how much it rains. Whenever we use the words, how much or when, it is a measurement of something. This time of year, we measure where we have been and where we are going…..often in the measurement of one year.

The word, “believe” has stood for our word for 2017. Our belief in Jen recovering, our ability to handle everything that has been thrown our way,  and our belief in the power of God,  has been the platform for which we have stood upon throughout the entire year.

God has delivered to us, so much throughout the year. So many words of kindness, gentle hands of healing, and friendship beyond belief. I had debated mentioning a list of names and their kind acts that has brought us here, but decided against it, out of fear I would miss someone and then they think it wasn’t enough to mention. The truth is, because there has been so many, over such a long period of time, I know the list would be incomplete. But if you have graced us with prayer, words, gifts, or gestures, know you have made a difference in our lives.

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As some of you already know, our word for 2018, is “blessed.”  Because we chose, to ‘believe’ in all that was mentioned above, we are able to see how blessed we are in the coming year. Blessed with Jen getting stronger each day, blessed with love from so many, and blessed with the joy of knowing we will grow by one in the near year with the birth of my first grandchild, a boy.

 

The word “blessed” has enabled me to see the words from the prayer “Footprints” so differently. As some of you know, in the prayer, it is during the most troubled times, we only see one set of footprints. For that is when God is carrying us.  When God carries us, it is the blessings delivered to us, that makes getting through these difficult times, possible. Blessings come to us by the thousands, when the weight is the heaviest. By allowing God to carry the load, we find so much. Without Him, there would be no footprints at all.  He delivered to us so much, I can’t even begin to make a list for fear something would be overlooked. I believe this with all my heart.

In 2018, I hope to live each day, knowing how blessed I am. And come next December, through His blessings, I hope I have vision for my for word 2019. May you too find all the blessings in your 2018.  Happy New Year and may God Bless you each day.

 

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I’m back here in Columbus with Jennifer. She is still making others on the transplant floor look bad as she has rolled through day +8 now without fever or vitals being an issue. Her and I went to the support group meetings they have here for patients and caregivers. The nurse and social worker were amazed someone at day +8 allogeneic BMT  (meaning non related donor) was up and going to a support group meeting.

Having said that, I can tell you Jen is feeling fatigued. She still cannot overcome this cough and she told me this evening she just can’t get comfortable and rest like she wants. She fought tears back while telling me this. So now I’m on a mission to find her some relief. I pride myself in being persistent. …. aka Momma Bear.

We found blessings everywhere we could find them today, …maybe more me than her. Her grandparents stopped in Columbus on their way back from Florida.  It is the first she has seen her grandpa since her diagnosis and first she has seen grandma since early December.

I also found a blessing or maybe knowledge I needed to find today at the support group meeting.  I had questioned us going as I thought maybe Jen would just want to rest. But we went. There have been times,  I hope for Jen to be excited about something or looking to go do something she has been wanting to do. I want the world for her and will move mountains to make it happen. But sometimes as I am spinning circles moving mountains, she just wants to stop, rest, and heal. For a while even small things can seem overwhelming.  Reading text messages and responding,  opening a card, calling her insurance company, or filling out a form. I find myself repeating to her what needs done like a mom of a teenager. I actually realized this has been ongoing for nearly a year. Which makes me wonder how long she fought low counts and fatigue. I thought before cancer this was due to laziness. After her diagnosis I thought it was a sign of her surrendering to her illness. I was wrong on both counts.”   It is cancer, chemo, and healing. I needed to learn that.

So prayers tonight for a quieted cough, less fatique, and patience on my part. She will get through all this. And so will I.

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Maybe Day 1 yet today….

This morning a new doctor on Jen’s case came to see her. A new look at her brings a new view and a different approach. Although we were disappointed Jen didn’t start chemo yesterday, the delay may have been a blessing in disguise.

The doctor looked at her file before coming in and had a couple questions about why induction chemo and not consolidation. Because her counts remain well and because it seems as the cancer cleared up, so did the rashes, he wondered if she is actually in remission.

He shared with us there was a test that had not yet gotten back that is more specific at looking at the abnormal cells and determine if they are premature new growth cells or cancer cells. And he thought possibly some since her numbers are in average range, this very well can be the case. He also thinks possibly the rashes are leukemia in her skin and as her cancer improves, so did the skin.

So while waiting on that test result, Jen gets results of her echo this morning. Frequently, induction chemo can do heart damage. When young like Jen, the heart repairs itself over time. Jen’s heart showed some damage. Then earlier then expected, the result from her biopsy comes back. And it is a good news, bad news thing.

The good news is because the need for time to repair her heart, they think consolidation chemo is the way to go. This means five to six days in hospital and home. It is not as intensive, shorter stay, and saves the induction chemo for transplant. The bad news is she truly isn’t in remission, as the doctor had hoped.

So now with a different plan, she moves forward with 2 hours on chemo and 12 hours off and that repeats for five days. And to her delight, she gets to come home early next week and be home for her birthday.

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I sit her in this dark room, listening to the sound of oxygen pushed through a tube. To the sounds of iv ticks, I didn’t know existed not so long ago. To the sound of Jennifer quietly whimpering in her sleep as she tries to breath.

The tiny tree glows in the corner of her room. I haven’t put the decorations back on because I fear I will angrily pull them off if they move her to another place in the hospital. But I let the light fill the room and refuse to unplug it even as we sleep.

I try to wrap my head around tonight why she must suffer like this. And why I must watch. Why I am apart from so many I love in this room the nurse says they try to make it feel and look like home. She doesn’t know what she is talking about. The nurses want me to not stand close by and attend to her every need but who are they kidding? What else would a mom do in a time like this?

I try to not scream when I hear or read someone complain about something to me now seems so trivial. Why can’t they see how blessed they are? I want to be blessed in this moment the same.

God forgive me for my doubt and anger. I am trying to trust. But I’m hurting like nothing I’ve ever known

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Prayers Needed

Tuesday December 20 – day 21
6pm
Without going into a long drawn out explanation I’ll give a short summary.
1. Procedure to look in lungs found some infection they are treating as fungal phenomenon. This requires an strong antibotic that is hard on kidneys so watching that closely
2. Water retention is a big concern and they are trying to take it off without effecting her bp
3. If she isn’t able to maintain her breathing, she will be moved to icu with possible need to vent her.

If ever I needed prayers threw this hell, I need them now. ..I can’t tell you how scary this is. She has been irritated but still ok. Me, I’m all over the place.

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Happy Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful to be home with my family. Thankful for my doctors and all of those on my care team at the James. All of those who run the clinical trial. Those who made things happen as quickly as they did when they discovered I was sick.

Thankful for all those who are praying for me and my family. Thankful for those who have sent me cards, gift cards, gas cards, and food. Thankful for those who visited me in the hospital and here at home.

Thankful for my amazing family and their strength. Thankful for my cousin for being here when I can’t be. Thankful for my friends at church. And thankful for my continue faith in God.

My road ahead of me I know is a long and rough one. But I know that I will have God, my family, and friends on my side.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Count your blessings, even the small ones. They matter!

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Support From Friends & Family

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Tolise Adkisson  – Our church is praying for all of you and especially for Jen to beat this thing.

Abbi Vincent – Praying for everyone! 15171327_10157778707765634_7860102571530424466_n

Ashleigh Webb – Prayers going up for you lil girl

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Today I made a life changing decision and I enlisted in the Army National Guard, and I can honestly say I am so excited for the adventure I am about to take! However, I am not the only one facing a life-changing obstacle. PLEASE SHARE THIS! I have also chosen to wear orange today in support of one of my best friends, Matt Honigford’s sister Jenny, who was diagnosed with Leukemia yesterday. We all care about you Jennifer and know you can conquer this! If any of you would like to lend support or affection for Jenny do so at Let’s Do This – Beating Leukemia with Jennifer please! Also, we all know these things can be expensive and it would mean the world to myself, Matt, Jenny, and their whole family if anyone could donate anything to help! Here is the link (https://www.gofundme.com/jennifers-fight) and thank you so much!! – Justin Varble

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Today I wear orange for my sister @jennhon06 who was diagnosed with leukemia yesterday. Together we will fight this and kick cancers ass because cancer has messed with the wrong family. – Matt Honigford

Karen Warnecke – Wishing the results were different but knowing God’s holding Jennifer in His hands. Faith will carry through the hard times.

Michelle L. Heitmeyer – Will keep all in our prayers!

Heather Nicole — With Thanksgiving drawing near, and so much going on, let’s remember to be thankful for what we do have and not focus on what we don’t have! Although the Honigfords may not have their traditional Thanksgiving this year, they have each other (and all of you and your support) and that’s what matters! We’re all blessed to be here and have another day. Thank You Lord for family and good friends!

Melissa Burgei – Sending in my swab kit! ❤️

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Let Go, Let God

Many years ago, I had a wall hanging that hung in the dining room in the house on Plum Street. I believe I had bought it at a home party of some sort. It had the words ‘Let Go, Let God’ on it.

To be honest I never really understood at that time what those words meant, so it makes no sense why I even bought it. Maybe it was the cheapest thing I could buy in the catalog and you know when you go to a home party, you feel you have to buy something.

It is just like me to not understand these words, as I always need to be in control. And I don’t fall asleep until I have sorted out everything in my mind. And last night, as I got into bed, I started trying to figure out all the how’s, who’s, and what fors. How was I going to put myself in all the places I needed to be in the coming weeks? How will I trust those who are in charge of Jen’s care? Who was going to take care of the pets? What will the outcome be? Where would I find the answers?

An old school friend had seen a post I made with a few of the things Jen had painted and inquired about those pieces. As we spoke, I told her some of those worries I had, including keep up financially. She suggested the Go Fund Me and I responded I have done ones before for other people but had hard time asking for us.

At 4am, Jen texted with message saying she would need a blood transfusion. I hadn’t looked at that last message my friend sent. I couldn’t fall back to sleep and got up and went out to my computer and started working on a few things I had left open to finish. I finish a picture load from a birth from a couple weeks ago and answered a couple emails. I opened facebook, where that message from my friend was still waiting to be read. Earlier the night before I had been trying to tell myself to give it to God but it was a struggle. I finally was able to fall asleep hoping God would answer some of my questions soon. I opened up my friends message, and soon it was made clear to me. She told me it was ok to ask for help and people will donate as sometimes that is the only thing they feel they can do to help and that I shouldn’t feel bad for asking. And it makes others feel good when they are able to do something. And in some ways by asking I was allowing people to feel good inside.

I knew it would take someone who could trade off with me to care for jen and duties at home. But I didn’t know who that would be. As I thought about it, I figured out that if Jen’s sister, who had accepted a new job that wouldn’t begin until mid December, was able to help me for the next few weeks it would help a ton. We would then be able to get help from Matt who would be starting Christmas break. The answer became clear. If I could provide her with some cash assistance, she could help me with all these things.

I created a Go Fund Me, and went back to bed and slept deep for the next couple hours. God led me to a solution and I needed to just have faith in Him. I needed to Let Go, Let God.

Please consider donating to Go Fund Me. I will also sometime this week set up a fund at the Fort Jennings Bank if you prefer to donate there.
For those who have already given, of time, prayers, kind words, or money I promise it has not gone unnoticed. Thank you.